me now

Recently, You may have heard that I’m going through some stuff right now.

Yes.

Stress had been building in me all this year. Good things happened… I got a new job, Nathan and I took a trip to England, but during even the good things storm clouds were forming.

My inner critic, yes, I know we all have one of those… but mine seemed to have been gathering strength for a big bid for my mind. My nerves began to tighten and shorten. My fight or flight response began stuttering out of control.

things that seems little, inconsequential, even, began to gather like straw on my back, one little thing, I can bear it, two… but on it came and

I had a break.

I had to walk out of the job others thought I was doing well in. I had to call Nathan and told him to take me right to the ER because at the moment I did not feel safe from myself. and I have had reason to fear before. Sometimes behind my face is behind enemy lines.

I went to the hospital. They stabilized me and sent me home, even though I did not feel ready. I went back to work and had to leave again. I was just not coping. I was the problem. and I was in hell.

I went to Rogers Behavioral Health Oconomowoc to the inpatient unit. I surrendered my phone and my shoes and my freedom, put on a wrist monitor and stayed there for eight days. I began to heal. That beautiful place, outside the stream of my stress. The doctors nurses and therapists were so kind, and the other patients reminded me I am not alone.

The doctor recommends I spend a time in the focus for depression residential program there, and that is where I am going next Friday. I’ll be there for a while, not sure how long, a month or so maybe more.

What was it? What witches brew mixed to cause me to break now? I have been treated from depression and anxiety all of my adult life, and even in my early childhood. I am getting older… and my parents are getting older. I work with such young people who are sharper and faster than me at learning. My job is new since January and I am still learning, and they just decided to completely overhaul the system. I am feeling slow and dull and incompetent at work. The clinic is in such flux, and it’s hard to know what to do.

But, I just got back from England! England was beautiful. It was in many ways a dream come true. But I spent much time feeling slow and obese and out of place… trying to keep up with Nathan. my body is so disappointing, so revolting. I feel so unattractive. And I wish so much that I just didn’t care about such things. We are conditioned to care about it. And I want to be able to keep up, next time we go because I really want to go again.

so, I need help. I asked for it. No shame, no stigma. It was brave. If I can be brave enough to ask for help, perhaps there is something in me that deserves it.

What are my goals for my time at Rogers? I want to put together a nice toolbox of CBT and DBT tricks tools and strategies for coping. I want to give my mind and my body a break. I want to learn how to negotiate with my critic, find out what she needs to feel safe and ok so she can stop attacking me. I want to live mindfully. I want to get into a habit of mediation. I want to figure out what is next for me.

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Challenging Catastrophizing

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June June, under the moon